Music is a funny old thing isn’t it? I walked into town from our house this morning to buy a couple of bits. It’s an absolutely glorious morning, the sun is shining and the air is fresh. I was by myself because J was having a nap, and Robert is home. I don’t have the widest selection of music on my phone at the moment, and decided to put on Jack’s Mannequin. Is this an admission that will lose me cool points? I don’t even care. I loved Something Corporate so hard back in my sixth form days, and transferred that on to Jack’s Mannequin a couple of years later.
As I walked I had to really fight the urge to sing along out loud at the top of my lungs, as I thought I might get some funny looks bellowing ‘THIS MIX COULD BURN A WHOLE IN ANYONE BUT IT WAS YOU I WAS THINKING OF’. It was just one of those perfect moments of sun, music, and a boatload of nostalgia combined, and it got me thinking. I wonder if I am alone in this, but sometimes I feel the most like *me* when I am alone, in moments like that. When asked to introduce myself on an Instagram meme earlier, I noticed I chose to define myself as being a wife and mother, then my job, then my role as a councillor. Those things are all really important, and all make up me, but sometimes I feel a bit of a pang for the me who was just me. I don’t for one minute believe you have to lose your identity when you become a mother, nor do I believe you are only *complete* once you have children, but I do believe that motherhood has changed me.
I am stronger than I knew I could be, more patient, but also so much more tired, and more irritable at times too. I appreciate small moments of happiness in a way I didn’t before: how that first cup of tea in the morning tastes; the look on my son’s face when I open my arms and he runs across the room to cuddle me; how blissful a totally quiet room can be.
I took a break from writing this because J woke up from his nap crying. I really enjoyed that sun & nostalgia drenched half hour remembering days gone by when music, friends, drinking & dancing were my world. But when J was crying just now, he sat on my lap with his arms around my neck, nuzzled in for a long cuddle until he felt happier, and it did things to my heart I don’t even know how to explain.
This post was brought to you by:
Bank Holiday sunshine
Pret A Manger chocolate covered corn cakes. Yummmm.