There’s a rumour going around that the nasty government are trying to take money away from CBeebies, which would put it (and CBBC) at risk, and see programming given over to commercial channels. How likely this is, I’m not actually certain, but as soon as I heard I had a ‘Fetch me my pen of RAGE’ moment, so here is my letter to Culture Secretary John Whittingdale,
To the Right Hon. Mr John Whittingdale,
Sir. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? You can’t have CBeebies. You can’t take it away from us. I’ll be upfront here, I support the Red Team, and don’t like most of what your lot are up to, but really, this is too far. We need CBeebies. Do you not realise how important those ten minutes of the Teletubbies at 7am are? I get to drink my only hot cup of tea of the day in those ten minutes, while my 16 month old stands, probably too close to the TV, transfixed.
I know you seem to have it out for the BBC, and I don’t know why. Maybe they dissed your mum one time or something, but just lay off Andy, Mr Bloom and The Octonauts OK? Only the other day I saw Flop, forced to impersonate a human, having to leave that poor helpless Bing Bunny, to go onto the BAFTAs declaring ‘woe unto’ whoever messes with The Beeb. This was most un-Flop, and all a bit Thomas Cromwell if you ask me. Heaven knows how many of his possessions Bing broke and had to put in the box of broken shit while he was away, and Hoppitty almost certainly got lost.
And that’s all on your head Mr Whittingdale. I hope you can live with that.
Really though. Watch half an hour of preschool TV on Channel 5, or Nickelodeon, and then switch over to CBeebies, and you’ll realise what a good thing you’ve got going on there. Educational, diverse, often charming. OK, there’s also Kate and Mim Mim, but no one said it was perfect.
I thank you for your time and look forward to your swift response (you can send it over in Mr Tumble’s magic spotty bag to ensure instant delivery) confirming you’re going to back off.
Mrs. S. Betteley
PS. If you happen to run into Jeremy Hunt I’d be ever so grateful if you’d stick a banana skin on the floor in front of him. Preferably on an evening or weekend so if he ends up in an NHS hospital he can see for himself that people are at work.
For anyone interested, the petition can be found here